The Survival Strategies We Forget We Learned

I have been thinking a lot recently about invisible habits, the small, almost automatic ways we move through the world. The kind of things we do without thinking and feel so familiar that we mistake them for personality.

The sort of things that show up in the way someone apologises before asking a question, or scans a room before they sit down, or says "I'm fine" before anybody has even asked.  The casual comments about not being able to switch off or “feeling the weight of the world” on their shoulders because of carrying everyone else's problems.

Following my conversation with Linda Lewis on the Burnout to Brilliance Podcast, I found myself reflecting upon how many of the things we describe as personality traits actually being the result of adaptations.

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Children Are Extraordinary Adapters

The reason not many people consider what has happened in the past is because when faced with adversity, uncertainty or difficulty, children are remarkable at adapting.  They quickly learn what helps them feel safer, how to reduce conflict, gain approval or avoid drawing attention to themselves.

These are highly intelligent responses to difficult circumstances.

The challenge is that they often work so well that we keep using them long after the original threat has disappeared.

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When Adaptation Becomes Identity

Over time, survival strategies can become woven into the fabric of who we believe ourselves 

to be.  The child who learned to keep everyone happy may become the adult who cannot say no.  The child who learned to stay alert may become the adult who struggles to relax.  The child who learned to earn approval may become the adult whose self-worth depends upon achievement.

The world often rewards these behaviours because people describe these individuals as dependable, committed, capable and successful.

Yet beneath the surface, maintaining these patterns can require an extraordinary amount of energy.  This is one reason why burnout can sometimes feel confusing.  On the outside, someone can appear to be coping incredibly well.  All the while, on the inside, their nervous system may have been working overtime for decades.

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Exceptional Resilience

When it comes to better understanding burnout, if there have been adverse childhood experiences contributing under the surface, then there is a real importance in understanding the difference between resilience and adaptation.

Many people who have lived through adversity are exceptionally resilient.  Leadership resilience has become something of a workplace trend in recent years.  As a result, many people have compounded a long-standing internal belief that to continue being successful at work they need to keep going and carry everything alone.  They may even have a mug on their desk with “keep calm and carry on” as a reminder.

The problem with that is it requires suppressing needs, ignoring exhaustion and for many, the constant proving of worth.

At some point, the body begins asking difficult questions like:

How long can I keep going?  

How much more responsibility can I really carry before I break? 

What else do I need to look out for?

And perhaps most importantly:

Is the threat still present?

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Awareness Creates Choice

One of the things I valued the most from my conversation with Linda was the hope filled reminder that awareness creates possibility.

When we begin to surface an understanding of the origins of patterns, we are no longer trapped by them.  We gain the power to consider that what once protected us may no longer be serving us, even though it was once very useful, we can start to explore laying it down.

In professional talk therapy and trauma informed coaching spaces we can experiment with new ways of responding.  We can learn to trust ourselves differently. We can soften the expectations we place upon ourselves and stop mistaking survival for the only way to live.

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Listen and Learn More

ACEs and Burnout: The Survival Strategies We Forget We Learned with Linda Lewis

🎧 Available now on the Burnout to Brilliance Podcast: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | YouTube

If this reflection resonates and you would like support exploring patterns of stress, exhaustion or burnout, Balanceology offers coaching with Jayne and a team of Associate coaches who have all completed the trauma informed ICF-accredited Balanceology Certified Burnout Coach Programme.  We also signpost to BACP registered counsellors and psychotherapists where a therapeutic approach is more appropriate.

For further information please contact: hello@balanceology.uk