When Did Being Kind Start Costing So Much?

I think we can probably all agree that the world needs more kindness right now.

More compassion, more generosity, more consideration for the experiences of others and more willingness to look beyond ourselves.

Kindness is something I have believed in and advocated for throughout my work. When I wrote Burnout to Brilliance, I included a section about the importance of paying kindness forward, a concept first introduced to me by Carol Newland, founder of Worklife Architect.

The principle is wonderfully simple. When somebody does something kind for us, rather than feeling obliged to repay them directly, we can extend that kindness to somebody else.

In the book, I drew on the work of Dr David Hamilton, whose writing explores the relationship between kindness and wellbeing, alongside research into gratitude by psychologists Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough.

I still believe wholeheartedly in the value of kindness and the ripple effects it can create within our communities.

And yet, through my own experience of burnout and the years I've spent supporting others to recover, I've become increasingly interested in what happens when kindness begins to cost us more than we realise.

The little pieces we give away

Overgiving was a significant part of my own burnout story.

I know how easy it can be to keep offering a little more of ourselves, particularly when being helpful, generous and dependable feels so closely connected to who we are.

One extra commitment. One more person who needs our support. Another occasion when we decide that our own needs can wait because somebody else's feel more pressing.

Individually, these decisions can seem relatively insignificant, however the cost of their cumulative effect can be considerable.

There's a passage by Anne Wilson Schaef that has stayed with me over the years, exploring how we can gradually give away little pieces of ourselves without noticing the effect until much later.

I find her distinction between sharing ourselves and giving ourselves away particularly meaningful.

I genuinely believe there is something wonderful about being generous with our time, attention, care and experience, but when giving becomes so habitual that we no longer pause to consider our own capacity, we can find ourselves becoming increasingly depleted.

When kindness becomes an expectation

In a recent conversation for my Burnout to Brilliance podcast, money coach Ray Dodd shared her concept of kindness at all costs.

Ray's work explores how our social conditioning can shape the expectations we hold of ourselves, particularly around being good, helpful and accommodating.  As we talked, I found myself reflecting on the ways that kindness can become intertwined with identity.

If we have always been the person who helps, what happens when we need to say no?

When people have come to rely on our willingness to step forward, how comfortable are we allowing somebody else to take responsibility?

If we know that declining a request might disappoint someone, how readily can we tolerate that discomfort?

These questions can be surprisingly difficult to answer, especially when we've spent years receiving appreciation and approval for being the person who always manages to find a way.

Recognising when the balance has shifted

In our Certified Burnout Coach Programme, we explore the different patterns and circumstances that can contribute to burnout.

Overgiving isn't part of every burnout story. There are many occupational, organisational, relational and personal factors that can contribute to someone becoming overwhelmed or exhausted.  However, overgiving does feature in many of the experiences I encounter in the coaching and supervision work that I do.

It can show up in many guises, including continually taking on additional work, the inability to switch off when somebody else needs support, or the quiet resentment that can begin to develop when we're giving more than we genuinely have available.

I find that resentment particularly interesting because it can invite us to reflect on whether something needs to change.

What have we agreed to that we wish we hadn't?

What are we continuing to do because we've always done it?

What might happen if we allowed ourselves to make a different choice?

Kindness that includes ourselves

Back in Series 3 of the Burnout to Brilliance Podcast, I spoke with Dr David Hamilton about kindness and burnout, and we explored the importance of including ourselves in the kindness we extend to others.

I’ve circled back to that conversation many times and my recent discussion with Ray has added another layer to my thinking, particularly around the influence of identity, conditioning and the fear of judgement.

I want to continue living in a world where people look out for one another, where generosity is valued and where kindness ripples through our relationships and communities.  At the same time, I also think it is important to recognise that kindness needs to be sustainable.

We can care deeply about someone and still have a limit to what we can offer.  We can want to help and still recognise that we need to rest. We can also remain kind people even when our decisions don't meet somebody else's expectations.

There’s a question I often find myself asking in the coaching space (and to myself!) “what might happen if you extended the same care and consideration to yourself as you so readily offer to others?”

Listen and Learn More

If this blog article has resonated for you, then I encourage you to listen to  Series 4, Episode 9 of Burnout to Brilliance, Kindness at All Costs and Burnout with money coach Ray Dodd.

We discuss social conditioning, self-worth, boundaries, resentment and the discomfort that can accompany choosing to do things differently.

Listen to the episode: https://www.balanceology.uk/podcast

If you recognise patterns of overgiving in your own life or leadership, you can also explore my executive coaching work at www.jaynemorris.com.

For coaches wanting to deepen their understanding of the many pathways into burnout, visit Balanceology to learn more about our Certified Burnout Coach Programme, where kindness and overgiving are just one part of our thought provoking curriculum that helps equip you to more confidently and competently navigate burnout in the coaching space.