Walking on Eggshells

Why constant emotional calculation can quietly lead to burnout

Have you ever reached the end of a working day feeling completely exhausted, yet struggled to explain exactly why?

Perhaps your workload wasn't unusually heavy. Maybe you didn't spend the day rushing from one deadline to the next.

And yet, somehow, you felt drained.

Not because of what you were doing, but because of who you were doing it around.

Maybe you found yourself choosing your words carefully. Reading the room before speaking. Replaying conversations in your mind. Anticipating how someone might react.

Wondering whether today would be one of their "good" days or one of their more difficult ones.

It can become such an ordinary part of working life that we hardly notice we're doing it.

Until one day we realise we're exhausted.

In my latest Burnout to Brilliance podcast conversation with Business Psychologist and Therapist Dannielle Haig, we explored the psychology of the Dark Triad.  The Dark Triad consists of three overlapping personality traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy. Whilst each of these concepts is fascinating in itself, what surfaced during the conversation and has stayed with me since, is what they all have in common: the toll they can take on our nervous systems.

There is a hidden cost to constantly walking on eggshells.

Dannielle explained that our nervous systems are wired to seek safety through predictability. When someone's behaviour feels consistently unpredictable, our brains begin doing an extraordinary amount of work behind the scenes.

We monitor mood, scan for subtle changes in tone, rehearse conversations before they happen, second-guess our decisions and adjust ourselves to reduce the risk of conflict.

None of this appears on our to-do lists or gets recognised as part of our workload.

Yet every piece of it consumes a tremendous amount of emotional, cognitive and physiological energy.

Over time, the labour of that constant emotional calculation is like doing a whole extra job on top of the one you are being paid to do.

One of the concepts Dannielle spoke about that particularly resonated with me was emotional hypervigilance. It's a state many people know well, even if they've never heard the term before. You become so accustomed to anticipating someone else's reactions that your nervous system rarely gets the opportunity to settle. It remains quietly alert, always watching, always preparing.

That ongoing vigilance can leave us feeling depleted long before we recognise what is happening.

This is one of the reasons I so often say that burnout isn’t just about workload.

The environments we inhabit and the relationships we repeatedly adapt ourselves around can play a significant part in our experience of exhaustion.

As coaches, leaders and helping professionals, we often encourage people to develop stronger boundaries, communicate more clearly or build greater resilience. Those things certainly matter. But before we ask someone to change their behaviour, it can be equally important to ask a different question:

What has their nervous system been contending with?

In some cases, hiding behind a dip in confidence, a sudden difficulty making decisions or the recent emergence of emotional exhaustion can be the consequence of spending months, or even years, enduring an environment that has never quite felt psychologically safe.

That doesn't mean every difficult manager displays Dark Triad traits, nor does it mean we should start labelling the people around us. Human personality is infinitely more nuanced than that.

It does however remind us that the impact of relationships is significant.  Predictability matters.  Psychological safety matters.  

Towards the end of our conversation, Dannielle shared a perspective that I suspect will have stood out to many listeners. She suggested that whilst some people genuinely thrive in highly demanding environments led by these personalities, many do not. If an environment is consistently draining your wellbeing, your relationships and your sense of self, perhaps the approach needing consideration isn't one relating to developing greater resilience in coping with it.  

More importantly, there may come a point when the question is no longer how to become more resilient within an environment, but what remaining in it is costing you.

The bravest decision many people realise they have the autonomy to make is to choose to stop walking on eggshells and seek somewhere they no longer have to.

Listen and Learn More

This blog post is inspired by my latest Burnout to Brilliance podcast conversation with Business Psychologist and Therapist Dannielle Haig, where we explore the psychology of the Dark Triad and why prolonged exposure to relational unpredictability can quietly deplete our nervous systems.

🎧 Available now on the Burnout to Brilliance Podcast: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | YouTube

If this reflection resonates and you recognise yourself in the experience of constantly walking on eggshells, you don't have to make sense of it alone.

At Balanceology, we offer coaching with me and a team of Associate Coaches who have all completed our trauma-informed, ICF-accredited Balanceology Certified Burnout Coach Programme. We also work alongside BACP-registered counsellors and psychotherapists and will always signpost to therapeutic support where this is the most appropriate path.

For further information, please contact hello@balanceology.uk.